Unraveled: Welcome to the Sew Sassy Stitchers

by megan on October 17, 2011

NOTE: All of Megan Dougherty’s Unraveled columns are works of humorous fiction. 

Hello! If you’ve found this website, you’re doing better than we are, because Sara Henson was supposed to register the URL, but apparently she spelled something wrong, and no one can find it now. So if you could copy it down and email it to us, we’d be grateful.

The Sew Sassy Stitchers was founded in 1998 when Lori Anderson and Jennifer Stevens drank too many appletinis at the neighborhood Christmas cocktail mixer and temporarily forgot their deep and abiding hatred for one another. Believe us, they remembered again when they were sober and had to decide who got to be president first. Jennifer won, of course, since she has a good fifty pounds on Lori and tends to spit when cornered.

The Stitchers are involved in several charity and community service projects, or at least we are when we can get enough people to get off their duffs and participate. PLEASE NOTE: As of this year we are no longer making “boobie” pillows for mastectomy patients. Somebody got her knickers in a twist because we weren’t also making “nutty” pillows for testicular cancer patients, and apparently the majority of the membership thinks boy things are too icky to deserve a comforting pillow. So now we can’t give body part pillows to anybody.

Our guild meets on the third Wednesday of every month in Meeting Room 12 of the Community Center. Sex Addicts Anonymous meets next door in Room 13, and we better not have any more stray visitors who decide to just “hang out” or we will call the cops. The meeting begins at 7 p.m. and ends around 9, if everything goes well, and usually it doesn’t. If you join the guild you will be required to provide refreshments for at least 2 meetings per year and no exceptions. We know where you live, we know most of your friends, and we will not hesitate to bring Jennifer out of retirement if we have to.

Our annual quilt show is held in the gymnasium of the local high school. Anyone is welcome to enter a quilt for consideration, but if you object to having your quilt come back to you smelling like sweaty socks you might want to rethink that entry. We have several categories and give out ribbons for each, such as Best Baltimore Album, Best Hand Quilting, Best Paper Pieced, and so on. And we’re not supposed to say so, but pretty much anybody who enters gets a ribbon. It’s a really small show.

However we have decided to eliminate art quilts from consideration this year as the only person who was entering was threatening to make her next quilt a “performance” piece called Working Blue. We have no idea what that means and we don’t want to.

The Sew Sassy Stitchers are an equal opportunity quilting group and we do not discriminate based on race, age, gender, sexual orientation, employment status, quilting skill level or questionable fabric choices. Our mission is to promote the knowledge and love of quilting and to enjoy the company of fellow quilters and to show off how much better our appliqué is than yours at show and tell. I’m going to get in trouble for saying that, but really that’s pretty much the main reason most of us show up. That and the chocolate coconut bars Janine Bryson sometimes brings even when she’s not on refreshment duty. That woman can bake.

If you are interested in membership you could email our Membership Director, but she probably won’t email you back since she says “emails are rude” and “why don’t people use phones like they used to,” but she won’t let us give out her number. Your best bet is to just show up at a meeting and wave a check around at somebody who looks like they might be in charge.

Benefits of guild membership include:

• A Sew Sassy Stitchers tote bag. No it’s not quilted and it doesn’t say Sew Sassy Stitchers on it. It says Bob’s Linoleum World. But it’s free.
• Access to the guild’s lending library of books and DVDs. The books are all pretty much from the early eighties and are being held together with duct tape and prayers. And the DVDs aren’t commercially sold, professionally produced DVDs. They’re copies of VHS tapes that somebody took several years ago of Show and Tell time, and the best part is, whoever took the video can be heard whispering all kinds of nasty things about the quilts and quilters she is filming. I’m telling you, Show and Tell is the best part of being in this guild, hands down.
• A subscription to the Sew Sassy Stitchers monthly newsletter, the second best part of being in the guild. (Okay, third. Those chocolate coconut bars are amazing.) Written and printed entirely by Rita Prager, since she’s the only one who knows how to make nice columns and boxes and stuff, the newsletter may or may not be about quilting and guild business and is just as likely to be about whatever fool thing has been on Rita’s mind lately. A few months ago she subjected everyone to a rambling query about the different colors of her infant daughter’s diaper output and what they could possibly mean. But last month, we got a full account of all the ways she has been trying to deal with her husband Brian’s sudden erectile dysfunction problem. Rumor has it that Rita’s latest “solution” involves lots of UPS deliveries. Lots of long UPS deliveries. In her house. While Brian is at work. Really, the November newsletter cannot come soon enough.
• A 10% off coupon for Pizza Hut.

New officers are elected every November, so campaign season is in full swing—which also means this is a great time to be a new member. So come on by, wave that check around, and see what nifty bribes the candidates will try to buy your vote with!

Leave a Comment

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Sarah Craig Identicon Icon Sarah Craig October 17, 2011 at 5:00 am

Thanks so much for my early-morning Megan fix!! I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks!!!

I’m waving a check……… ;-)

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Kit Lang Identicon Icon Kit Lang October 17, 2011 at 6:04 am

Wowzers! I’ve never been in a guild (except our local chapter of the Modern Quilt Guild which I threw myself out of because I wasn’t what they were looking for) but I’m glad I didn’t know what was going on behind my back! ;)

Although, I would like some of those chocolate coconut bars, and I really, really REALLY want to see that performance of Working Blue .

Thanks Megan!

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Moni Identicon Icon Moni October 17, 2011 at 6:23 am

So I had to look: yup there’s a real Sew Sassy Stitchers!
http://www.amishquiltshophop.com/locations.html

However, you’ve hit the nail on the head regarding some of the quirks of guilds – a great giggle before work!.

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Cindy Sharp Identicon Icon Cindy Sharp October 17, 2011 at 6:54 am

Thanks for making me laugh! Are you sure this is a fictional news letter, it sounds awefully familiar.

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L. Reyes Identicon Icon L. Reyes October 17, 2011 at 8:04 am

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

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Sandy Navas Identicon Icon Sandy Navas October 17, 2011 at 9:47 am

And Megan claims she had a migraine this weekend – if she can do this when her head is pounding and her eyes are crossed, what does she do with a few appletinis under her belt? She’s definitely PRICELESS!!

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P. Identicon Icon P. October 17, 2011 at 10:28 am

I knew there was a reason I hadn’t joined a guild yet. I’ve been holding out for this one! :)

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Katy Identicon Icon Katy October 17, 2011 at 11:35 am

ROFLMAO, thank you, quite perked up my day that did!

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Marlene Identicon Icon Marlene October 17, 2011 at 12:03 pm

O. M. G. Has she got our number. Well, except for the chocolate coconut bars. We need a Janine.

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Quilty Jen Identicon Icon Quilty Jen October 17, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Thanks so much for this! You totally brightened my day. I want to see that DVD so bad now!

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Sandy Identicon Icon Sandy October 17, 2011 at 1:21 pm

I have to tell you how much I enjoyed reading your above post. I just found your site, via Karen McTavish’s facebook post and I’m glad I did.
You see, I’m the new Pres of our guild and I can use all the help I can get and this site looks like the ticket. Sure you don’t mind if I use some of your material?????
Any who, thanks for sharing.

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Kelley Identicon Icon Kelley October 17, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Have you been spying on us?!

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megan Identicon Icon megan October 17, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Well, I was listening to you talk during the last bee!

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Peggy Identicon Icon Peggy October 17, 2011 at 5:36 pm

What have I gotten myself into! I just wrote the check for membership to the local guild. My first meeting is this Wednesday. I think that they let me in so they have someone to be better than during applique show and tell.

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jake Identicon Icon jake October 17, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Nah Peggy. 99% of guild members are incredible, great people. It’s just that 1% really stands out. You’ll have fun and learn tons of stuff. And remember, if you don’t like something, change it! Just never ever leave the room during a board meeting unless you don’t mind being named whatever open chairmanship there is left!

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quiltzyx/sue Identicon Icon quiltzyx/sue October 17, 2011 at 11:12 pm

The part about never leaving during a board meeting is totally true Peggy. I think that’s how I became the Treasurer of the SCCQG for 4 years.

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Bridgette Stein Identicon Icon Bridgette Stein October 18, 2011 at 2:31 am

ya gotta love the 1%ers every group has them! :) ) That was the source behind the Outlaw Quilters becoming a reality! lmao

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Suella Barnett Identicon Icon Suella Barnett October 17, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I loved this. It sounds just like our guild. I may need to switch to yours because I quilt at about the level you describe & need a “ribbon”. Thanks for the laugh.

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Heather Identicon Icon Heather October 17, 2011 at 9:01 pm

You guys crack me up!!!

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jake Identicon Icon jake October 17, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Crack myself up most days too!

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Pat Maher Identicon Icon Pat Maher October 17, 2011 at 9:08 pm

This should come with a warning. I could hardly catch my breath.

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Paula Identicon Icon Paula October 17, 2011 at 9:11 pm

this sound JUST like some folks in my guild. so funny

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Flaun Identicon Icon Flaun October 17, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Had me snorking as usual, Megan!

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Lisa Fulmer Identicon Icon Lisa Fulmer October 17, 2011 at 9:28 pm

can i just tell you that i adore you, megan? really i do, it might even be approaching a stalkerly level. i really wish you’d move next door to me and let me pull your weeds or dust your living room while you read me drafts of your columns. although i’d probably have to rent a storage unit to hold just a month’s supply of poise pads. {a tee and a hee}

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Glenna Identicon Icon Glenna October 18, 2011 at 10:59 am

Pull your weeds? what?

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Lisa Identicon Icon Lisa October 17, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Good thing I wasn’t drinking anything while reading this… Thanks for the giggles!

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quiltzyx/sue Identicon Icon quiltzyx/sue October 17, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I shouldn’t have read this just before bedtime. I’m going to be laughing for hours & 5am does get here awfully early these days….thanks a lot Megan!

p.s. Hope you’re feeling better.

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Bridgette Stein Identicon Icon Bridgette Stein October 18, 2011 at 2:30 am

I’ve been offline for a few days and I have soooo missed you! lol…love the article I have never wanted to join a guild until now! TOO FUNNY!

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Paul Identicon Icon Paul October 18, 2011 at 4:11 am

Where do sign …….
All the best from Camden NSW in Sunny Oz

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Kit Lang Identicon Icon Kit Lang October 18, 2011 at 4:37 am

1,000th visitor? ;)

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JoAnne Simonson Identicon Icon JoAnne Simonson October 18, 2011 at 7:23 am

I would wave my check but the staff here at Shady Rest Mental Health facility took my check writing privileges away! This latest from you was just too funny and, since I was just elected guild president, I’d love to share some of your thoughts with my sometimes loyal subjects! I’m working on getting impeached by Christmas.

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J Bradfird Identicon Icon J Bradfird October 18, 2011 at 8:14 am

Megan, once again Im laughling out loud…… thanks for your talent

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Dianne Identicon Icon Dianne October 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

Bahahahahahahahaha!!! This was the PERFECT way to start my day. Thanks Megan!!

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Debby Identicon Icon Debby October 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

me me I want to join will do anything for chocolate coconut bars

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sewserious Identicon Icon sewserious October 18, 2011 at 4:01 pm

You turned a rainy day into a sunshiney day.
Laughter is a wonderful tranquilizer !
Thanks Megan you did it again !

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Lori Identicon Icon Lori October 19, 2011 at 4:27 am

Hahaheheeee.

You forgot about the quilty gal who dresses up in all her quilting garb (costume).

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Sarah Identicon Icon Sarah October 19, 2011 at 6:10 am

Wow, I hadn’t caught the ficitional part at first and was quite interested in joining. YOu are so creative, I will definately be bookmarking this site to read more of your exciting ficitional quilt guild reports.

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Susan Identicon Icon Susan October 19, 2011 at 12:38 pm

This is too funny!!! I am running right out to join….. thanks I needed a good laugh!!!!!

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Rosie Vaught Identicon Icon Rosie Vaught October 19, 2011 at 1:43 pm

DELIGHTFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A true qulter indeed, you showed up on my computer on a day when I needed a good laugh.

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Kathy Graham Identicon Icon Kathy Graham October 20, 2011 at 9:53 am

I really enjoyed your piece it seems that so many quilters get so serious about there quilting,their quilds become a lesson in Roberts rules ug. so refreshing to get a giggle.

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Brenda S Identicon Icon Brenda S October 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Hahahaha! AND your blog just cracks me up. Sometimes the swearing is a little much, but I keep coming back because you make me howl!

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